Social Media: Real vs. Fake

“Being different is attractive and makes you stand out from the crowd. The trick is: You must be you. If you try to be something you’re not, people will recognize it pretty quickly, and there is nothing less desirable than a fake." – Elise Mitchell.

If I could sit with you and ask, "who are you" how would you answer? Who are you? Are you able to be authentic at all times, or do you have trouble showing who you are? I have asked many clients through the last months precisely that question. I find it intriguing how many will say that they don't know. They also have trouble showing themselves to certain people. So, is it fear, shame, or not good enough thoughts?

Social media has been a stumbling block to many. We can sit, scroll and watch everyone’s lives. We can look into the windows of people’s seemly perfect lives. Do you ever think of closing the blinds? I have had clients who have needed to remove social media from their phones. Comparison happens quickly, and the self-defeating thoughts come like a runaway train. This is not good for mental health. Envy can also be an emotion from social media. Why does everyone have the perfect marriage, children, or vacations? Comparing these things in life is also a dangerous path.

“Social media has created jealous behaviour over illusions. Sadly some are envious of things, relationships, and lifestyles that don’t even exist.” – Unknown.

Over the past few years, many posts have been published regarding the pandemic. We all have an opinion, but does everyone need to know what it is? What is the motive behind our posts? Stepping back and thinking of this is crucial before we hit the post button. Are we building up or tearing down? Are we edifying others or causing dis-ease?

I believe we need to constantly check our motive behind social media posts to be our authentic selves. I have had to delete many posts after I proceeded to go through this exercise. You know those times when you want to get to someone but not in person? Yup, been there. Checking motive is a great way to grow and learn who you are and what you want. There are many keyboard warriors out there, but I challenge you and me not to be one of them. Listen to you and your heart. Do you want to become genuine and authentic? Do you want to learn about ways to better yourself and how you can encourage others? It takes courage and a willingness.

You can be anything you want to be! Now is it real or fake?

You get to choose!

Are We Worthy?

"The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself." – Maya Angelou.

If I could read your thoughts, what would they tell me? Are you speaking positive affirmations, or are you tearing yourself down?

When they look in the mirror, I recently heard that the percentage of women do not like themselves. It was in the high nineties. I found that interesting and sad at the same time. How can we become comfortable in our skin? I think this truly takes self-examination.

We go in the direction of our most prominent thoughts. How we think about ourselves will lead to contentment, improvement, or self-destructive behavior. When I reflect on my life, I can see exactly where my thoughts were. Through many years of being overweight, I heard many words spoken over my life. There were many hurtful words. Truth be told, they still sting a bit, but I can't let my thoughts camp there. These words became my reality, and I felt I needed to prove that I was better than they were saying. My life for years was my eating disorders, excessive exercise, and constantly needing praise. It wasn't long, and I self-destructed.

At this lowest point in my life is where I felt like I was not worth it. How could I get back up, dust myself off, and carry on? I got the point of learning how to forgive myself and re-learn how to rebuild my confidence. I know I was created for more, but what could it possibly be? When we go through storms in life, we can see that a storm always ends. Who are we when the winds calm? What have we learned through these difficult life experiences? And, who will we help through their storms?

Everyone has a story, and we need each other for encouragement. We all need a cheerleader to help us in many areas of life. We all have worth, and we need to believe this. We all have gifts and a calling in our lives. These experiences will help us help others to know that they matter. No matter how far we may have fallen, we can back up again. We are all called to something greater than us. I believe it is to help others through the same pain we have experienced.

If you are struggling in life and need to know your worth, reach out. Find a trusted friend, mentor, or a coach. You are worth it!

Check Your Motive

Both love and pride are an indicator of motive.

Motives are the underlying reasons for the actions you take and the words you say. No one can tell you what your motives are. They may try, but you are the only one who can know your real reasons for doing what you do. These are healthy and unhealthy motives. - (Examine your Real Motives - Thrive Global)

A healthy heart motive will lift others and work in love. A unhealthy motive will tear down others and work in contempt. For this reason, we must constantly check our heart motives when doing anything in life.

Everyday we have an opportunity to lift someone or tear them apart. Floating through life and never being aware of our thoughts, words, and motives can bring destruction.

Proverbs 16:18 NLT Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall.

As I sat across the table from a young woman, tears fell down her face. As a child she was bullied and always on her own. These destructive words had consequences that no child will ever see at an early age.

As we have had many sessions together, I see that these times had created a very sensitive spirit within her. Her motive sounds pure and from a place of love. She is able to quickly please others and making sure everyone is doing well. This is depleting her. So what is the heart motive? What is the WHY?

I believe it is to fill those hurt spots from her childhood. Then no one will have to be alone and experience the loneliness she has been feeling. Everyone can only say great things about her. This can be exhausting and you will become depleted as you cannot keep this up. This is a form of pride. Not a haughty pride, but from hurt that will not allow anyone to hurt again. This heart motive will also not end well.

Any type of pride will stop you from growing. The motive behind pride is all about self. Most actions will come from a place that is about you instead of focusing on others. You feel justified about the decisions you are making and they sound reasonable. Here is a quick check, are you feeling you're better than others? That's pride.

Happy people will not stop learning and growing. They continue to stretch, learn and in a constant state of wanting to know more. Happiness and humility go hand in hand. Humility is key to a healthy motive. The reason for this is because they are teachable.

"True humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less." - Rick Warren

God will use us for His plans and purpose, if we are willing. And when He does, what will our motives be?

1 Thessalonians 2:4 NLT For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the Good News. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts.

Be blessed!

Premarital Coaching

I believe in strong marriages.

With being able to coach couples in marriage or wanting to get married, more than ever, communication needs to be established. Communication is a learned art.

How much do you know your partner?

Do you have the same hopes and dreams?

Can you agree to disagree?

Have you spoken about expectations in the marriage relationship?

Are you able to be respectful?

Is there a safe place to express disappointments?

What are your fears and frustrations?

Are you able to forgive?

There are so many areas in premarital relationships that are overlooked.

Planning a wedding is a very exciting time. The day is planned to a tee. The dress, shoes, flowers, rings, vows, the kiss! The toasts, the meal, the tingling of glasses. The list is endless and every couple dreams that this day is absolutely perfect.

Do we plan out our marriage as we do that special day?

What happens the following week, year, ten years later? Did you and your spouse establish a strong foundation?

You can't build a great building on a weak foundation. You must have a solid foundation if you're going to have a strong superstructure. - Gordon B Hinckley

I believe that the foundation in a marriage centers on our great God. I know that not all people would agree with this. I can coach without the spiritual building blocks. I am not here to push my own agenda but rather help those who are needing help. That being said, I am more than happy to coach couples planning a life together or needing help in the marriage.

Our marriage experienced great trauma. We have learnt the tools for rebuilding a strong healthy marriage. We know what it takes to "renovate" a relationship. It takes two humble servants who refuse to give up on each other.

Matthew 7:25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.

Are you wanting to have a strong foundation?

Let's work together!

Character verses Reputation

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation because your character is what your really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are." - Coach John Wooden

Our character speaks volumes and we can grow in areas of our character. In the end, our reputation will reflect our character. When I look at both, character and reputation, I see them working together.

Take a look at the seven critical character traits:

Resilience

A Sense of Curiosity.

Social Intelligence

Gratitude

Kindness

Self-Control

Optimism

All seven of these have room for growth. In growing these characteristics, we become stronger in these qualities that are distinctive within us.

Being intentional in growing ourselves is the key to a happier life, but can be uncomfortable. Think of it as a muscle fiber that keeps tearing but grows back stronger as it heals.

"Don't mistake a lapse in judgment for lack of character.

We all have moments when we fail to live up to our principles. Humility is how quickly we recognize it, and integrity is how hard you work to rectify it.

Character is striving to become the person you claim to be." - Adam Grant

In the last many years, I have been looking at it the wrong way of doing things. I felt I needed to make amends so my reputation would be rectified. Now I see that as I am learning and growing, my character is becoming stronger. In the end, my character will reflect on my reputation.

Again, reputation is merely what others think you are, but your character will show who you really are.

Here are five ways you can build your character:

Be humble. Humility is the beginning of wisdom.

Live our your principles and values.

Be intentional.

Practice self-discipline.

Be accountable.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself instead of a second-rate version of someone else." - Judy Garland

The world needs more people with solid characteristics. The best version of you. As this comes with challenges, I believe there are more rewards.

Let's work together and have some fun! It truly can be so rewarding.

Reach out!

We can do this together.

To The Mom Who Feels Like You're Failing

“To the mom who feels like you are failing. Don’t doubt yourself. Right now, it feels hard, but each day you still show up, even through the exhaustion. You pour your life into your children, even though your cup feels empty. You do the best you can, even when you think you can’t. And that dear mama is not failing. You are amazing. – Proud Happy Mama

Mother’s Day is a day where a lot of us moms contemplate whether we can have done a “good enough” job. It can be a tough day instead of the day it was meant for, a celebration for a job well done. I think we, as mothers, wonder whether we could have done better. We tend to blame ourselves and take on the burden of our children.

Our love is not based on if our children are perfect. Our love is an unconditional love that cannot be undone.

I, myself, have made a ton of mistakes regarding the raising of my children. One thing I will not do is blame my mother for the way she raised me. I believe that she did the best from how she grew up. It took a long time for me to have this revelation. It takes stepping back and realizing that the cycle of generational upbringing can change. It takes wisdom to know what is good and what is not. I love my mom for all she did for my brother and myself. She sacrificed a lot to bring us the best of what was needed. She worked countless hours to support Dad in the providing for the family. Was she perfect? No, but she loved us unconditionally.

I think back to when our boys were young children. There are times when I’m sorry I didn’t look to the future. I would have enjoyed motherhood more. I would have prayed more. I would have played more. I would have worried less. I would have been less selfish. I would have laughed more. Through all the “I would haves”, I did the best I could at that time with what I knew.

Now as they are adults, being a mom has changed. I could worry more. I could be that helicopter mom. (Maybe the boys say I am!) The older children become the bigger the worries. They are now old enough to talk to about my failures and to ask for forgiveness. I won’t make excuses. Only own my mistakes, forgive myself and be the best mom possible. I pray for them and the rest of the family each day, sometimes a few times a day. A mother’s love and prayers have far reaching effects. One of my greatest wishes as a mom is to create a safe place for our children to rest, to be able to talk, laugh and eat. Yes, eat! I love cooking all their favorites. That gives me great joy!

Every day I sit quietly at my kitchen table. I enjoy my God time. It’s then I think and pray for my children and grandchildren. There are times of tears, smiles and concerns. I am so proud of my children. I am so blessed as a mom. After we lost our daughter shortly after birth, I had a tremendous amount of love to give. Now I know why. I am so grateful for our two strong men, who they have become and still becoming. They both married beautiful women who I love dearly.

To all you beautiful mommas, those that have lost children, that have given up children, children that have strayed, that have little ones running around your feet…. keep your head up and know that you are doing the best with what you know! What you do know is love. Failure doesn’t happen unless you give up. Giving up is not an option. Keep filling your cup and know where your strength comes from!

Happy Mother’s Day!

How do we forgive?

“Forgiveness is letting go of what is behind you and choosing to focus instead on the good things you have today.” – Chris Brown

Forgiveness, I wish I could truly explain to you what it means. I have had to forgive many a thing through this life. I have also needed to be forgiven for my mistakes.

We have heard many times that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Lewis B Smedes

Holding on to unforgiveness will imprison you. The thoughts and feelings will keep you trapped within your own mind. It will cause bitterness which will, in time, eat you up. Have you ever noticed people who cannot forgive? They carry so much emotional hurts that you can see it on their countenance. And there have been times where that person was me.

When someone wrongs you, you must decide whether you want freedom or bitterness. Easy? Not even maybe but so worth it.

Unforgiveness will affect every area of your life. It will affect your health, emotional state, relationships, employment, studies. Etc. Whatever you do, it will be there.

There has been a time when I was called names that I cannot even type out. It was devastating. I know now that it came from a place of hurt but it still cuts deep. A deep place of emotional hurt. It will keep you wondering if you really are what they called you. It can bring deep despair and embarrassment, to the point of keeping you in bondage.

What if I am __________?

Am I really a __________?

In order to move forward, forgiveness is needing to happen. Choosing to forgive them will set you free. You need to know the truth about you.

You are loved.

You are wonderfully made.

Their response is not your responsibility.

My reaction to their actions is critical.

Our words have the power to build up or tear down.

Letting go doesn’t always mean you won’t remember but when you do remember you choose to say, “I forgive”.

If you don’t, it will eat you up.

If you do, you will enjoy the freedom to enjoy your life.

Forgiveness is not an option. It is a command.

Ephesians 4:31-32 MSG

Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with each other, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.

Need help in this area? Reach out.

We can do this together.

Happy 36th Anniversary!

In 1986, we said "I do".

In 2012, he could have said, “I don’t” but instead he said, “we will”.

Today we have married for 36 years, and I am so grateful.

Throughout this journey of restoration, we have been able to inspire many in their marriage journey.

When going through devastation, the easier thing to do was to give up and walk away. It takes willing hearts to stand up and fight for your marriage and family (if there are children). The daily choices of forgiveness are also not easy but doable.

When you have two people that are in 100%, I believe you can be an overcomer. When one person hurts so deeply, the hurt one needs to see major changes in the spouse that has hurt them. It is called repentance. Repentance can be a “scary” word, but what it means is the repented person changes direction in their life.

As for me, I repented and asked for forgiveness from Hank, my children, family and friends. After that the journey was between us two. A road of communication happened daily. We vowed we would keep the weeds out of the garden, so to speak. We’ve made a conscious effort of watching what we allowed into our marriage and our lives.

One very important part was our children. It was so very hard on them and still hurts my heart. As a mother, hurting the very ones you gave birth to…. unfathomable. I am so truly grateful for their forgiveness but that doesn’t mean there are not consequences.

“You choose the sin, but you cannot choose the consequence.”

We have been so blessed in the last few years and I believe this is because we decided to have God in the forefront of our marriage If we had listened to all the naysayers, we wouldn’t be here. The opinion of man is not the road to take. You do need to seek voices of love, wisdom and knowledge in this area.

Our children needed to see two parents teaching them what is looks like to forgive. This is critical in all our lives.

As for today, we celebrate!

Instead of mourning our marriage of 26 years, we are celebrating 36 years. I cannot be more grateful.

Hank is my best friend and my biggest cheerleader. He has helped me in so many ways. Were there bumps along the way? Most definitely, but we didn’t give up. That has shown that you can overcome many areas if you are willing to drive forward in faith and keep seeking knowledge.

If possible, I would say please don’t give up. Seek a trusted person with knowledge in this area.

You, too, can celebrate happy anniversaries!

To Hank, thank you. I love you and I am beyond grateful when you said, “we will”.

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up His life for her. – Ephesians 5:25

Time Doesn't Heal, God Does.

A 30th Birthday Memory.

March 20, 1992

Our daughter made an early entrance into this world at 24 ¾ weeks gestation. At this time neonatal services were not easily assessable. Our doctor informed us that Tyla would only live for ten minutes so to take us to the nearest city wasn’t an option, nor was bringing a team out to us.

So, we spent every moment with her. We held her and wept. She was a beautiful little one. She had dark curly hair. She had all her fingers and toes. She made little squeaky noises and tried to cry. She held my finger and would stick out her beautiful pink tongue. All this beauty, but her lungs were not developed.

Tyla was a fighter. She lived not for ten minutes but for two hours. The medical staff would come into the room amazed that she was still with us. We were truly in shock and focused on our short time to just love her. As the two hours passed, her breathing became less and less until that final breath. I truly believe, at that moment, she entered Heaven’s gates. She will welcome us one day.

You may be thinking, “Anita, why are you sharing this again?”

I cannot let her memory fade. The journey over the past 30 years has become better but it is also a time of grieving and forgiveness. After Tyla passed into glory, there was a major time of sadness but also anger. There was enough time to get into the city for help. It was a total helpless time of all the what-ifs. There wasn’t anyone that could say anything to help us at that moment. We needed to walk through all the emotions.

We could have become bitter and blamed the doctor. Where would that have got us? This was our first forgiveness journey. My faith was not very deep at that time but I know God made a way through that darkest valley. I am grateful.

Through that period of time, we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we had so much love to give another child. Oh, the fears of that thought! Here we now had to trust that we would have a healthy child, full term. I would sit with my thoughts and eventually I would write letters to Tyla, asking if she could put in a good word for us. In December of 1992, we found out that we were pregnant. This was so exciting and terrifying in the same breath. We were so grateful that our son came in August of 1993, and was healthy.

Grieving is a natural emotion that isn’t easily overcome. The whole time heals, I beg to differ. Time doesn’t heal, God does. I am so thankful that I can sit with Him in those times of remembrance and let the tears flow. I am safe in His presence and He will comfort me. I believe He understood my anger also. Anger isn’t wrong. It is what I would do with that anger. It could have taken root in my heart and made me a very bitter person. I did eventually reach out for help to process all my thoughts and feelings.

Are you walking through a valley of sadness? Grieve comes in many forms. If you find yourself there, please reach out. Find a trusted friend, counselor, or myself. We are living in a time where there is a lot of sadness, grief, and division. I can say there is hope. Hope to find healing and to be able to see joy once again.

Reach out.

We can do this together.

What is your communication style?

“Communication to a relationship is like oxygen is to life. Without it, it dies.” – Tony A Gaskins Jr.

“The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.” – Peter Drucker

Every one of us has a communication style. We can be passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive.

We all have a unique style in the way we communicate. I know for the most part I am passive-aggressive and then there are times I am assertive.

In marriage, two people, two styles. I would venture to say that most of the time the styles change throughout the conversation.

So, then how do we effectively communicate? We need to learn how to listen. Listening is key to effective communication. Without truly listening, the message could be easily misunderstood. Stepping back and making a conscious choice and effort to listen can save many an argument.

The ability to listen, not just hear, is a game-changer. Also, how to learn how to be comfortable with silence in the conversation is important. This allows a space to process and to allow the other person to respond after careful thought. It is quite easy to constantly fill the gap with words that may not help the conversation. The silence in-between is respectful. It shows the other person that you respect their thoughts and answers.

It is not always easy but the more we are intentional about learning and trying, the better our conversations will be.

“When you interrupt, you’ve stopped listening. People need to be heard.” – Jerry Seinfeld

We all need to be valued, seen, and heard. My hope is that we all learn how to communicate, especially in marriages and families.

We can do this together.

There is no place for pride!

One day this past week as I was reading a post on parenting, this quote really was impressed upon my heart.

What I will do is share the response to that post.

“I have had a few long conversations with my grown children and they shared memories of moments where I overacted or misunderstood something. I was grateful for the opportunity to apologize so our relationship can move forward and they don’t have to carry those hurts. There is no place for pride in parenting. We need to be real and we need to be good at listening to the hearts of our children.” - Andrew n’ Rachel

One of my biggest desires is that our children will come to us if there is something from our past that they need to discuss.

In a healing journey such as ours, there will be topics that need to be brought into the light. Can we be completely open to hearing these thoughts and not become prideful or overact? When our children come to us, and it takes courage to do so, we need to be quiet. As they share their hearts, we need to hear. This is not a time to become defensive, deflect blame and tell them how it should be.

Their perspective is their reality.

I do not believe that it is because we are bad parents, they are coming to make us better parents. And, as better parents, we can apologize, ask for forgiveness, and repair the relationship.

You may ask “Anita, how would you know?”

I have had to listen to many conversations within our family to know. There is nothing more important than hearing the hearts of my family, staying humble, and apologizing where necessary. My grown children need to know that they are safe with us at all times. In doing this, I believe they will do the same with their children.

Ministry starts within our homes.

We can do this together.

A perfect Marriage

“A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.” – Kate Stewart

When I read this quote I see a “perfect” marriage. Is there truly such a thing? I don’t think so but it seems to mean that when two “imperfect” people come together and do not give up then that can equal a perfect marriage.

There was a time in our marriage when giving up seemed like the way out. There have also been many debates about whether that would have been easier. So I ask, easier on who?

As I sit here and ponder while looking up, I see our family picture. I see us, our son and his new wife, and our oldest son with his wife and our grandchildren. My heart sees why we fought so hard to stay together. I look past the trauma and see a picture full of love and so many blessings. If one of us had walked away, this picture would not be hanging in my office to remind me that hard work can be so rewarding.

Saying that I also realize that it takes TWO imperfect people to want the same future. A future of family and memories. Also, to leave a legacy for our children and grandchildren. Sadly, there will be marriages where one will walk away for many reasons. It may be that the road forward has too many obstacles and cannot see past the hurts. I need to say that I do not condone abuse. If this is the case, please reach out for help and be safe.

The foundation of a marriage is so key. Take a look at a home where the foundation is built on faith. We were raised in a church setting. We learned about how we should build on the rock and not on sand. So when troubles would come, and they will, we would have a strong foundation. I know that this was so important in our marriage. Had we not had this foundation, I truly don’t know where we would be. I am just being real. I have had almost ten years to see how our faith has brought us to the point of where we are now.

We are not perfect but we are fighters. Fighters for the future. We are very diligent in communication and time together. We are also careful of what we let into our marriage. This was a promise we made after reconciling, to be very aware of what creeps in. Trust me, these days there are too many distractions that can take our focus away from our time.

If I would give one piece of advice it would be this; take time to sit, talk about your day, listen to your spouse and extend grace. We have done this faithfully for the past ten years and I cannot imagine what my day would be without it! Too many marriages are on coast and that saddens me. We are created for so much more, plus our children are always watching and learning from us.

"A good marriage isn't something you find, it's something you make, and you have to keep on making it."

What do your children see? What do you see? Deep down within us, we all want a healthy marriage and the best friendship. It is how we were created. We were created to desire healthy relationships.

As I coach couples (plus my husband has been helping and making a great assistant) we are seeing marriages come back from the brink and excited for a brighter future. If this is something you may need help with, please reach out.

We can do this together!

Communication is Key

“To listen well, focus on what your spouse is saying without thinking about how you’ll respond.”

In a healthy marriage, you will notice that healthy communication is key.

When we reconciled, we made a promise to take time daily to talk. We have carried this through for the past 10 years. We look forward to our time, after a busy day, to sit with each other and “hear” each other.

This is not a time of competition, but a time of love and understanding.

For myself, I find it a time of bonding. I try, and sometimes miss the mark, to listen. Listening is a skill that needs to be mastered. I try to focus on his words and discern whether I need to HEAR or do I need to RESPOND. There are conversations that we don’t need the other to fix a situation but to only listen.

Have you ever just sat, listened, and been comfortable with silence? The gap in the conversation can be so powerful. The gap or silence is a time where one can process thoughts. If we are not comfortable with the silence, we tend to fill it with words that may not help the other person. It is important to be still and wait for the thought process to be completed and then hear the response. When we feel we need to interrupt or finish their thoughts, we could find conflict or misunderstanding.

Another important part of conversations is asking questions. When we ask our spouse questions and actually pause to hear answers, we can learn so much about them. It is dangerous to only want to talk about self. It leaves the spouse to believe that they are not as important.

“Healthy assertiveness means choosing the right time and blending love and truth as we speak.”

James 1:9 Remember this, my dear brothers and sisters! Everyone must be quick to listen, but slow to speak and slow to become angry.

We all feel the need to be heard and valued. But, if it’s with the ‘me first' attitude, it can become a time of strife.

Learning how to communicate your needs or wants is a lifelong classroom. Our spouses were not created to fill all of our needs. Do they fill some needs? There is no doubt, but not all of them. There are needs that only Christ can fill. Presenting our needs to Him first will help us be more aware of what He can fill and not expect our spouse to fill or meet.

Husbands, your wives cannot read your mind. You have to be able to open your mouth and express your needs and thoughts. We, as women, need this from you.

Wives, we need to respect our husbands. Throughout Proverbs, the scripture tells us that a nagging wife isn’t acceptable. But, that a gentle quiet spirit is of great value. I know that is a value that I am constantly working on.

Healthy communication will keep the weeds out of your garden.

My heart's desire is to see marriages flourish. I have seen what healthy communication will do when love is the driving force.

We can do this together.

Guard your marriage

Galatians 6:1 my brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in any kind of wrong doing, those of you who are spiritual should set him right; but you must do it in a gentle way. And keep an eye on yourselves, so you will not be tempted, too.

It only takes a few wrong thoughts to take on the wrong path.

In today’s world, it is becoming more apparent that we must be diligent in protecting our marriages. With social media being so open to ‘feed’ us information, it begs a question to what we are feeding ourselves with. We are choosing our future with what we watch and how we compare our marriage with others. Social media allows us to choose what we see and fill our minds with.

Our story is one of hope. As I sit here and write, I find it difficult to share this part of my story. It is a deep place of vulnerability. It feels shameful. A store filled with so much hurt. A deep hurt that affects so many people I love.

But, God turns messes into messages!

Proverbs 4:23 so above all, guard the affections of your heart, for they will affect all that you are. Pay attention to the welfare of our innermost being, for from there flows the wellspring of life.

My message is this. Guard your marriage. The key to a successful marriage is communication. Create a safe place for one another to be open and honest. Listen to hear, not to reply. Be kind and compassionate towards one another. Everyone walks through life differently and we need to have each other’s back.

Build on a solid foundation.

Our marriage burnt to the ground. When a forest fire burns and all is black, look to see the new growth after. It will always come back greener and fuller.

My passion is restoring marriages and families. As I continue to share our story, please know that it is a story of hope! The journey of forgiveness is one that needs to be shared.

As I am coaching couples, I am in awe of what two committed people can change and find themselves in a new love. A fresh exciting love that cannot be contained.

If this is you and you need guidance, please reach out.

We can do this together!

Blessings,

Anita

What Do We Need to Let Go of and Heal?

Colossians 3:2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.

Joel 2:12-13 “Now, therefore,” says the Lord, Turn to Me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning.” So rend your heart, not your garments; Return to the Lord your God, For He is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness; And He relents from doing harm.

We all have things in our life we need to let go of. How does this happen? How do we trust the process? Seeking Him first. The answers are all within Him. We are so distracted by all the voices and miss the voice we need to hear. Now, more than ever, we are bombarded with many notifications that demand our attention. We can take control of this. It takes being intentional.

How do we heal from what we won’t feel?

Allowing ourselves, with compassion, is the first step.

Our great and loving Father looks on us with great compassion. He wants us all healed and to move forward in life. Trusting Him with our steps towards healing and seeing the beauty in front of us.

“Progress always involves risks. You cannot steal second base with your foot on first.” – Frederick B. Wilcox

What are the risks? We can be so comfortable in our places of sadness and despair. It takes grit to move forward. Each step we take takes intentionality. We risk the feeling of discomfort and stretching. We take our eyes off of ourselves and look to the future with hope. Hope for healing and peace in the situation that needs comfort. We see breakthroughs, even in small chunks, that keep us moving, one step at a time. We cannot grow if we are not moving.

Isaiah 41:10 Do not be afraid – I am with you! I am your God – let nothing terrify you! I will make you strong and help you; I will protect you and save you.

I challenge us to feel the emotions and bring them to our Great Comforter. He is kind and compassionate, slow to anger. He is merciful and kind.

Trust the process! I am here cheering you on!

We are in this together.

What legacy are we leaving?

“Speak to your children as if they are the wisest, kindest, most beautiful and magical humans on earth, for what they believe is what they will become.” – Brooke Hampton

“Leaving is not something for people. It’s leaving something IN people.” – Peter Strople

This morning’s church service was on the topic of marriage and families. This topic always excites me as I am so passionate about this area of life.

Pastor Brad said, “empty nesters can be marriage mentors. Your healthy marriage can inspire other marriages.” I cannot agree with this more!

This wasn’t always the case as we walked through the deepest valley in marriage. We had to build, brick by brick, to see the top of the valley.

Our mission was to build on a new foundation of love, trust, and forgiveness. And, to be able to leave a legacy of love for each other and for our family.

Do our children see how well we are doing family?

What do our children see in our daily lives?

It’s not about perfection or condemnation. It’s about seeing two imperfect people striving to be an example of servanthood. Putting our needs to the back of the line and serving our spouse's needs first. Easy? Certainly not all the time. I believe wholeheartedly that when we do this love action, our own needs will be taken care of.

As we have journeyed through new territory over the last nine years, we have grown in so many new ways. I can only speak for myself when I say that I have discovered that when my personal relationship grew with Christ, so did I. Do I have regrets that my life would have been different? Yes, but I cannot sit there.

We need to be intentional about our thoughts, choices, and actions. Each step forward brings new beautiful blessings into our lives.

“You cannot steal second with a foot on first.”

“Be who you needed when you were younger.” – Daniel Abrahams

Duet 6:5-7 Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. Never forget these commands that I am giving you today. Teach them to your children. Repeat them when you are at home and when you are away, when you are resting and when you are working.

As I now coach couples, I see their marriages flourishing in so many areas but the first important part is communication.

Can you and your spouse communicate your thoughts, visions, and everyday needs?

How is the response?

Are we truly listening?

What is your heart's motive?

Are you honoring each other?

I challenge each one of us to be still and seek what our heart's motive is. Is it to build a beautiful legacy or is it self-fulfilling? Reach out if help is needed.

“The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.” – Billy Graham

Our children (and others) are always watching how we deal with interruptions in life.

What will they see?

We can do this together!

Blessings,

Anita

What do you want to be known FOR?

Luke 19:6-7 Zacchaeus hurried down and welcomed him with great joy. All the people who saw it started grumbling, “This man has gone as a guest to the home of a sinner!”

Vs 10 “The Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.”

When I look back on my life, I remember the exact time I felt like Zaccheaus. In amongst the trauma that was going on in our marriage and family, I felt like coming out of the tree with great anticipation. I didn’t know if our marriage would survive, but I needed love and forgiveness. God’s love and forgiveness was the prescription I needed to be filled. I needed my husband’s and family’s forgiveness also.

As we walked through the deepest valley imaginable, not everyone was in favor. There was grumbling and murmuring. How does one learn not to listen to those voices? It’s called perseverance. It’s a decision to stay on the path and mentally rehearse where you want your marriage and family healed and restored.

Quieten the voices.

Pause and reflect before any decisions are made.

There will be people on the sidelines, comfy in their lawn chairs, watching and having their opinions. The trick is to ignore the opinions as they have their own struggles. When you can see that, then and only then, can you move past that.

So, what do you want to be known FOR?

For us, we wanted our marriage and family restored. We wanted to show our children what forgiveness looks like. We wanted a legacy of love. A love testimony that when you hit rock bottom, you can build again. I cannot thank my husband enough for making the decision that he wanted our boys to see hard work in motion. He also wanted a united family.

For me, it’s been a journey on how to forgive myself. I needed forgiveness from my husband, children, family, and friends, plus from myself. I plunged into the Word of God, loving words from close people in my life and a constant hunger for more knowledge.

Only then can we help others on their journey.

2 Corin 1:4 He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

We all have a story. That story can help others in their struggles. We all need hope!

So what can we be known FOR? Hope.

Hope only God can show in us and through us. When we are called to fulfill His purpose, we can do all things through him.

It takes courage, perseverance, and humility. It takes a willing heart. It takes a willingness to ask for help from a trusted counselor or mentor. You need two people who are 100% willing to be committed to the healing journey. Trust me; it is worth the hard work.

We can do this together!

Bitter or Better?!

Hurt leads to bitterness, bitterness to anger, travel too far on that road and the way is lost. – Terry Brooks

Proverbs 4:23 Be careful how you think: your life is shaped by your thoughts.

You can choose bitter and life will be a disappointment. You can choose better and make life a joyful experience.

Hebrews 12:15 NLT Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.

The root of bitterness is poison. How many times have you encountered someone who has hatred or unforgiveness towards others? You can see it on their countenance.

We are living in a time where this root seems to dig its way into people’s lives.

When we are not careful, it will creep into our own lives and affect every relationship that we are in.

When we go through life, we all have circumstances that lead us in our choices. Choices of forgiveness, walking in love, obedience, and peace. We could also choose unforgiveness, hatred, disobedience, and chaos. Your thoughts and decisions will move you in the direction that you think most about.

If we think of our thoughts as seeds, it will help us see what we plant. Every thought of our circumstances gets planted deep within. We can easily replay every situation and add to the growth of that seed. Eventually, it will take root. When it becomes rooted it will either be a root of bitterness, or a root of gratitude. You get to choose!

A root of bitterness will affect you and everyone around you. It will also affect your health. The body shows signs of bitterness manifesting in the way you live. Remember, bitterness is poison. Also, resentment is a self-inflicted wound.

“A critical tongue reveals a bitter heart.”

If you ever listen to someone who has unforgiveness in their life, you will hear bitterness. If the bitterness continues, it will affect people around them. It can also affect generations to come. You must be the first to eradicate that root!

How do we do that? We need to face reality. Instead of grumbling or complaining of our circumstances, God invites us to come to Him and verbally talk about the offenses in our lives in the safety of His presence. It is time to be completely honest about all the bitter events in our lives. It is then, that God can prepare us for a better way.

Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hatred feelings of any sort. Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ.

What does better look like? It looks like healing, freedom, and a weight lifted. Imagine you are in a garden full of weeds and they are choking the good plants. As you pull each weed out, at its roots, the garden begins to look alive and healthy. Good plants have room to grow and flourish. The weeds are gone, in a pile, ready to rot.

Song of Songs 2:15 TPT You must catch the troubling foxes, those sly little foxes that hinder our relationships. For they raid our budding vineyard of love to ruin what I’ve planted within you. Will you catch them and remove them for me? We will do it together.

Each one of us is running our own race but together we can finish it well. Is there someone who can help you remove those (foxes) thoughts? First, seek God. He is ready to hear you and show you a way to complete repentance and healing. Second, find a trusted source to help you remove the root of bitterness.

There is a better life waiting for you. A life of joy and freedom. “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping someone else will die.” Forgiveness is the freedom meant for you to have a full, better life!

I, myself, have walked through many circumstances where I could have chosen bitterness. I get it. I choose to live a better life.

We will do it together!

Detour to Assignment

Watch for the new thing I am going to do. It is happening already – you can see it now! I will make a road through the wilderness and give you streams of water there.

Isaiah 43:19

I think it’s pretty safe to say that we are on a road that has not been traveled by many. It has been a long couple of years dealing with the global pandemic and we have to wonder about how long it will last. Many people are tired, unemployed, mentally exhausted, angry, and bitter. Everyone has been affected in some way. The spirit of division makes me shiver at times. Divorce rates are skyrocketing and suicide has increased also.

That all being said, God is not surprised by what is happening in our world today. We were told we would have trials. Well, this certainly is one.

“Sometimes being on the road less traveled is an opportunity for you to embrace a divine assignment.” – Andrea Hardy

We have all been given a purpose in life and free will to choose if we will embrace this. The definition of purpose is the reason for which something is done. Purpose requires action. In these days of fatigue and anger, we need to be reaching out to those that need our compassion and mercy. When we look at the characteristics of God we see that God is compassionate, merciful, slow to anger, filled and unfailing love and faithfulness.

My question is this, what are we doing with the extra time that we have been given? Have we been seeking what God is wanting from us? We certainly cannot participate in as much as we used to but the time is there to learn and grow.

Has there been an opportunity for us to grow and learn more? Have there been opportunities to be still and dig deeper into the word and character of God?

I truly wonder what God might be thinking when it comes to the moment of open times and how we are filling these precious moments. If I may, I will insert my journey to where I, now, want to help others. A couple of years ago I was asked to write a bible study and teach over the course of that winter. I was so honored, excited, and humbled to be asked to teach, yet overwhelmed with the task before me. I used a whole summer at our seasonal campsite to be quiet, study, and write on the Proverbs 31 woman. This woman has intrigued me for so many years and it was time to put my thoughts and prayers on paper.

Out came the bible and opened up the chapter titled The Capable Wife….

I can honestly say that alone was intimidating! How and what makes us capable to be the best wife? I began at the 10 virtues of the Proverbs 31 woman. These were faith, marriage, mothering, health, service, finances, industry, homemaking, time, and beauty. When you read through this chapter it seems to be a “how-to” list but I believe it is inspiring to know that God has given us the qualities listed here and gives us the grace to become this woman.

She was a character of boldness and yet, quiet strength. She was a model of serving. Jesus was the perfect servant and models to us how to look to the needs of others. I don’t think that Proverbs 31 was written to place a demand on us but more of a story of wisdom. It can give us the determination and inspiration to battle through with courage and boldness while serving those who are close to us. We can take this a step further to also help those who are in need.

When I decided to explore health and life coaching I didn’t quite know how it would stretch me and grow in my own places of weakness. The opportunity to coach women and now couples has given me great joy and challenges of becoming a better wife, mother, grandmother, etc. These client sessions are also showing that people all want purpose in their lives and marriage. God has placed this desire within us and cheering us on to walking side by side with those around us. This past week I was honored to teach a woman how to read through a devotional and the word. These are small things that will take people further in their own walk. We need to be available.

And look out for one another’s interests, not just your own. – Philippians 2:4

The detour we are on is an opportunity for a new assignment. We can take this new time for good or we can waste it through grumbling, bickering, and division. We have been given talents and passions to share with other people. We all have a story that needs to be shared so that we can help others through their own hurts. Hope is something we all need right now and our God gives exactly that. Our hurts, our stories will lead others to the goodness of God and create a space of connection. Connection is something we are missing in these days of social media. Yes, we are connected to so many people but I am talking about

a face-to-face conversation that can lead to a beautiful connection. Oh, we so need more of this.

Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. – Ephesians 5:16

You can watch or read the news and see that there is so much hate in this world. People are suffering and hurting more than ever. As Christians, now more than ever, we need to be a light for so many people. There will be people that you may meet that are silently suffering and need the love of Jesus. You may be the only Jesus they meet! That is a very sobering thought!

My prayer is that we all take the extra time and ask God what the assignment is on this road not traveled. May we listen and know what our next steps are to do His will here on earth as it is in heaven.

Peace BE,

Anita

What do you see?

“All I see is the valley; all you see is the victory!” Phil Wickham

Mental health is so an important topic right now. The current state of our world is shifting. It is really is a decision as to how we will respond.

It’s time to pause.

It’s time to reflect.

It’s time to be still.

What is it that you want in life? What is stirring in your heart right now? You have the answers within you.

When you live in the present moment, you will miss the vision or the opportunity before you. I challenge you to look forward right now. What do you see? When you look to the future, with anticipation, you are stirred to something greater. When you take time to be still and to reflect, you will regain momentum.

A friend of mine sent me a link from a professional coach and that stirred something inside of me.

What are you using this time, this interruption for?

You were created for so much more than what you are allowing yourself. Is the fear of the unknown stopping you from moving forward? Fear is paralyzing. This I know personally.

In my own life, there have been so many circumstances that have happened that I could be completely buried in fear.

Fear of people.

Fear of judgment.

Fear of people’s thoughts and opinions.

Fear of the future.

I could have completely buried my future. That would have been a missed opportunity.

My message to you, as a reader, is this, there is no mess big enough that cannot be forgiven. Forgive yourself and move forward. You may be thinking “easy for you to say” but listen, I have walked it. It has been a long hard journey to get to that point so trust me when I say, you can do this. Take the first step, allow grace to fill you, and keep taking those baby steps.

“Small hinges swing big doors.”

It’s when I took the steps toward counseling and mentoring, things changed. It took me on a spiritual journey that captivated my heart. It allowed my heart to feel compassion and passion for others who are on the same journey.

Many of us are stuck. So much fear of the unknown. Whether it’s your past mistakes or the pandemic and what it has done, so many of us are paralyzed with the fear of “now what”?

I’ve been there.

I hear your pain.

You are loved and forgiven.

You are worth it.

My prayer is that you hear this deep within your soul. There is freedom in this.

In coaching, there is an opportunity waiting for you to help you grow. You have the answers. They are deep within you. My position is to pull those out of you, encourage you, and be your biggest cheerleader. I am so honored to walk this journey with you. I believe, because of my past, I am called to be an encourager. And that is because I’m grateful for second chances.

I am here for you. Fear doesn’t have to be your life. There is a great wonderful life ahead of you. Take the first step, my friend, and look at your vision for your life.

If you are interested in that first step, message me. My first session is free and we can see where you are in life. It’s a time of no judgment but curiosity. A peaceful, enjoyable hour, about you in complete confidence.

Because you are worth it!

Blessings on you,

Anita