A 30th Birthday Memory.

March 20, 1992

Our daughter made an early entrance into this world at 24 ¾ weeks gestation. At this time neonatal services were not easily assessable. Our doctor informed us that Tyla would only live for ten minutes so to take us to the nearest city wasn’t an option, nor was bringing a team out to us.

So, we spent every moment with her. We held her and wept. She was a beautiful little one. She had dark curly hair. She had all her fingers and toes. She made little squeaky noises and tried to cry. She held my finger and would stick out her beautiful pink tongue. All this beauty, but her lungs were not developed.

Tyla was a fighter. She lived not for ten minutes but for two hours. The medical staff would come into the room amazed that she was still with us. We were truly in shock and focused on our short time to just love her. As the two hours passed, her breathing became less and less until that final breath. I truly believe, at that moment, she entered Heaven’s gates. She will welcome us one day.

You may be thinking, “Anita, why are you sharing this again?”

I cannot let her memory fade. The journey over the past 30 years has become better but it is also a time of grieving and forgiveness. After Tyla passed into glory, there was a major time of sadness but also anger. There was enough time to get into the city for help. It was a total helpless time of all the what-ifs. There wasn’t anyone that could say anything to help us at that moment. We needed to walk through all the emotions.

We could have become bitter and blamed the doctor. Where would that have got us? This was our first forgiveness journey. My faith was not very deep at that time but I know God made a way through that darkest valley. I am grateful.

Through that period of time, we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we had so much love to give another child. Oh, the fears of that thought! Here we now had to trust that we would have a healthy child, full term. I would sit with my thoughts and eventually I would write letters to Tyla, asking if she could put in a good word for us. In December of 1992, we found out that we were pregnant. This was so exciting and terrifying in the same breath. We were so grateful that our son came in August of 1993, and was healthy.

Grieving is a natural emotion that isn’t easily overcome. The whole time heals, I beg to differ. Time doesn’t heal, God does. I am so thankful that I can sit with Him in those times of remembrance and let the tears flow. I am safe in His presence and He will comfort me. I believe He understood my anger also. Anger isn’t wrong. It is what I would do with that anger. It could have taken root in my heart and made me a very bitter person. I did eventually reach out for help to process all my thoughts and feelings.

Are you walking through a valley of sadness? Grieve comes in many forms. If you find yourself there, please reach out. Find a trusted friend, counselor, or myself. We are living in a time where there is a lot of sadness, grief, and division. I can say there is hope. Hope to find healing and to be able to see joy once again.

Reach out.

We can do this together.